The Joke Thread

[lidbid46]

Two guys talking. One says to the other, ‘what do you do for a living?’ Second man replies, ‘I’m a spy!’
‘So why are you dressed like a shepherd then?’ says Guy 1. Guy 2 says, ‘because I’m a shepherds’ spy!’

[CadburyMan]

William comes home and his wife says to him “Your brother just rang and said ‘ I’ve got bills to pay’. You haven’t been giving him money have you? And by the way, where’s your wig”?

[gillsfan1066]

OOOKKKK...... Bill is short for William, and a bills to pay and a wig, OOOOOKKKKKKK ? What the &$@# is wrong with jokes like ............A blond walks into the doctors and says doctor I hurt all over , when I touch my arm, ouch it hurts, when I touch my knee, ouch it hurts , when I touch my head , ouch it hurts ,whats wrong with me ? Doctor looks at her and says ,You have a broken finger.
Now I can understand that ,but Bill being William and a wig, and owing money what the hell are you yacking on about ?

A lawyer and a pretty blond are sitting on a flight from NY to LA, after a while he says to her " do you want to play a game, where we ask each other questions and you give me 5 bucks if you don't know the answer to my questions and I give you 500 bucks if I don't know the answer to yours" ?
She sighs and says," I have been up all night I just want to sleep" but the lawyer keeps on bugging her until she says "OK fine you go first". The Lawyers says " how far is it from Earth to the Moon " ? For 30 minutes she guesses all different distances ,and in the end opens her purse and says," I don't know, here is 5 bucks ".
Laughing he lawyer says " your turn ". The blond looks at him and says ," what goes up the hill with three legs, but comes down with four " ? For the rest of the flight the lawyer looks for the answer. He is on his laptop, taps into the airphone with his modem, searches the Library of Congress for the answer, calls his friends , eventually the plane is on it's final approach to LAX ,and as it touches down the blond wakes up. As the plane docks he reluctantly gives her five hundred bucks . She smiles takes the money ,puts it in her purse, gets up to exit the plane and hands him $5. Who said blonds were dumb ?
See I get that joke, wigs and bills what the &%#* ?

[CadburyMan]

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.

Apparently he didn't know.

[gillsfan1066]

Hahaha, very funny, very German .Nein,Nein, Nein,....... Can I help you , Do you need the Fire,Police or Ambulance, ...Ambulance and straight jacket for Mr.C please.

[gillsfan1066]

OK, I never did get the joke with Bill and the Wig,what was it please ?

[CadburyMan]

Guy goes into a Clocksmith’s shop and asks “Do you have any Potato clocks?”

Puzzled the Clocksmith replies " I sell all kinds including Cuckoo Clocks, Carriage Clocks, Grandfather Clocks etc but what the hell is a Potato Clock?

"I dunno! Says the guy “I’m starting a new job tomorrow and my wife said I better get a Potato Clock”

[CadburyMan]

1066 - how are you getting on with Bill and the wig ?

[gillsfan1066]

Gave up on the wig and the potato clock jokes, I am just too thick to get them I guess hahaha. I even showed some people who came for dinner one night and they looked at me like I was stupid ,then they muttered something about the English sense of humour being different from American. One of those guys has been a detective for ten years hahaha, and the other guys wife is a pathologist. NO I have given up.

[CadburyMan]

Read it out loud as "Bill's toupee" and it ought to come clear

Get a potato clock - again read it aloud as "get up at 8 o'clock"

[gillsfan1066]

I bow to you Sir ,I will never ,never, ever be able to tell jokes like wot you can . I stand here in the cold, the snowflakes falling from a grey sky ,looking to the east across Lake Michigan towards old blighty and Priestfield Stadium with the few tears I have shed frozen to my cheeks in utter de feet.
I have withdrawn the remaining money from Mr.Lidbit's Fund Me Page, and have sent the shilling donated by dear Ms Fanny Mulligan off to a company in the Cotswolds that informed me last night they will be sending you ........................the diamond studded............ JESTERS HAT,asap.
SO I AM HUMBLY NOW OFFICIALLY CROWNING YOU,............ GILLINGHAM FOOTBALL CLUBS JESTER LAUREATE ,........ THE TITLE OF " FOOL " YOU WILL HOLD FROM THIS DAY FORTH FOR ALL TIMES.
This day, Monday April 4th 2022 will go down in the Nations history books as a date comparable to only Sunday October 14th 1066, or Sunday September 2nd 1666.
............................................................................ ALL BOW TO CADBURY THE FOOL. .........................................................................................


Mr Garawa, draw you sword, behead that man who is not bowing to THE FOOL. OK he is standing on his head,because he is from where, ozzy ,what's that ? A country of upside down people , in that case chop off his feet .

[CadburyMan]

Been out bird watching with Sinead O’conner ….
…… 7 owls and 15 jays ..

[CadburyMan]

I was in this shop and i pointed to my favourite album and i said that's the one I'd get, all of a sudden this cyclops appears from nowhere and slaps me across the face.

[CadburyMan]

I bought a new laptop; all it did was play a song where this lady kept singing about "Someone Like You".

I phoned tech support; they reminded me I'd bought a Dell.

[CadburyMan]

I walked passed the YMCA yesterday, and there was a teenage boy sat outside crying.

I said "Young man, there's no need to feel down.”