The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

Faculty, when a Cockney runs out of tea bags.

[gillsfan1066]

A few thunks. ........I was gong to tell you a joke,but I got lost in thought ,which is unfamiliar territory............... Honk if you like peace and quiet............ Despite the cost of living,have you noticed how it remains so popular ?...............Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day .Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer............A fine is a tax for doing wrong, a tax is a fine for doing well............It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats............When your taken into court your fate is put in the hands of 12 people,who were not smart enough to get out of Jury Duty.

[CadburyMan]

Me and my wife are going to row across the Atlantic in October.

It’ll probably start on the way to the airport.

[CadburyMan]

Bloke from Barnsley with piles says to chemist, "does tha sell arse cream?

"Yes," said the chemist, " what would you like, magnum or Cornetto?"

[CadburyMan]

Made a nice change the Mrs coming home pissed after the football on Sunday trying to get a shag,

But you know what, I got a headache

[gillsfan1066]

This evening after a windy round of golf we sat around and got talking about what we would like from our wives and girlfriends to make them perfect.One guy said he would love it if just once his wife would asks him if he has had enough to drink when he was watching football on TV or could she get him another beer. One guy said he wished that once ,just once ,his wife would say I am going to stay home with you today and get drunk , watch the baseball on the TV,then we can go to bed and make love, instead of I am going to the mall shopping.
Finally after a few guys said things like I wish my wife/girlfriend would one day say ,as soon as I have finished washing the car I will cut the grass ,and then get your dinner,can you hang on for half an hour ? Then old Goff who is 78 and is married to a woman of 52 said I just wish for once my wife would say I am going to wear clothes around the house today ,it's pretty chilly in here. I think it took about 10 seconds for each of us to work out exactly what he had said.

[CadburyMan]

Its just been announced next years World Championship for ruler twanging on the edge of a desk is to be held in the Dordogne.

[CadburyMan]

I've just been called insolent, so obviously I had to look it up.

Apparently, it means I've been swimming between the UK mainland and the Isle of Wight......

[CadburyMan]

Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the shopkeeper, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks?"

The shopkeeper looks at him and says, "Are you taking the piss? We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks... what the feck is a potato clock?"

And Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'"

[CadburyMan]

Cyclops: How do you spell Hawaii?
Wife: You need two i's.
Cyclops: My life's just a joke to you isn't it Carol?

[CadburyMan]

I believe my mate from Greater Manchester is a transvestite …

He has a Wigan address!

[CadburyMan]

Hands up if you like the french.

Both hands up if you are french

[CadburyMan]

A geordie lass went to the hairdresser and asked for a perm...

The hairdresser replied....I wandered lernly as a clood.

[gillsfan1066]

Two women immigrants come through the border into the US,one says to the other they eat dogs here you know. The other one says well I guess now were in America I guess we should do the same. Half a mile along the road is a Hot Dog stand they look at each other and buy two hot dogs. Sitting on the bench one of them undid the wrapping around her hot dog and squeals, I know the bit of the dog I got,which bit did you get she asked her friend.

[gillsfan1066]

There was some sort of demonstration going on outside a store today and someone had a signed that said "STOP KILLING FISH FOR THERE FINGERS. A sign on the shop door said compare prices,Trojan Contraceptives $3.89 , Huggies Diapers,$22.99 . It was a lovely sunny day so I just kicked back and waited for the police to move the protesters on and I looked into the sky and I thought, I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and think to themselves,that ones shaped like an idiot. I had to buy a new door bell,mine at home was broken and I guess I missed a couple of parcels from Amazon.I don't know why I put a sign on the door that said BELL BROKEN,Please YELL DING DONG AS LOUD AS YOU CAN.
I took our new puppy for a walk down on the beach ,really was busy, damn thing still wants to run away, but I honestly think naming the pooch Shark really was a mistake . We spent an hour watching one of those Attenborough animal shows on TV ,I honestly believe that Rhino's are just fat Unicorns. Bought dinner on the way back and it came in this aluminum container which had a sticker on it that said DON'T EAT THE CONTAINER OR YOU WILL SHEET METAL. Went past the hospital on the way home and there having a big push for men to have test for various cancers.They had a big sign that said, This Year Thousands Of Men Will Die From Stubbornness, so I got out and with a black marker wrote, NO WE WON'T . While we were at the zoo we drove through the African Wildlife Section, bloody great sign that read ELEPHANTS ,STAY IN YOUR CAR, would they ,hell no they were wandering all over the place ? Came out of there and she had to go to the restroom,big sign said LADIES and underneath it,another sign that said Slippery when wet,with a carton corrector falling over on it. The sign in the men's rest room read REFUSE,to be put in plastic sacks and stored in the containers provided. What a Day.