The Joke Thread

[gillsfan1066]

David Beckham flies to JFK Airport in New York , jumps in a cab and notices the driver staring intensely at him in the rear view mirror.
The Driver finally says ,Give me a hint guy .
Beckham sighs and says I had a brilliant career at Manchester United Soccer Club, I played for the LA Galaxy, GQ Magazine calls me a Power House in the business world, and I married the most important Spice Girl of them all and the Queen gave me an OBE.
The driver replies, no you Goddamn idiot, where are we going ?

[CadburyMan]

I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, stood beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said




'Get that trolley over here, love, they're doing 3 cases of Stella for the price of 2'!

[CadburyMan]

When I was 18 I was torn between the Leigh sisters Lorraine and Clare. Lorraine was older and, if I am honest, the less attractive of the two, but I just couldn’t decide.

Eventually fate took hold of the situation and Lorraine left for university.

I was so happy that I could see Clare Leigh now Lorraine has gone

[Garawa]

Blooming heck Cadbury, these final lines after these lead ups are ingenious!

[gillsfan1066]

Last night some idiot with a tractor kept driving up and down our road shouting THE END IS NIGH, THE END IS NIGH turned out it was FARMER GEDON.

[lidbid46]

A Priest, an Iman and a Rabbit are sent for to give blood. First in is the Rabbit. The Doctor asks him what his blood type is. 'I think I must be a type O' he replied!

[gillsfan1066]

I knew there was a reason this part of the site was NOT a good idea, hahaha. Just joking. Hows Mrs L ?

[lidbid46]

Perfectly fine thanks, since she managed to get her legs shaved for the first time since lockdown.

[gillsfan1066]

Haahahahahaha ,what a woman , well at least old Mammoth legs keeps you warm in the winter , no need for pajama bottoms , on her I mean,not you.

[CadburyMan]

I was in a restaurant the other night and ordered Chickem Napoleon for the first time, when it came there was no meat; just the carcass.

I said,"what's this?" The waitress replied , "its the boney part"

[CadburyMan]

I went to the doctors and said doctor I can't stop eating snooker balls.
Doctor ask what do you eat for breakfast.?
I said one yellow ball one brown ball and red ball.
Ok said the doctor, what do you eat for lunch?
I said I eat two reds one blue and a pink ball.
Doctor ask and for supper what do you eat?
I said 3 red balls one yellow one blue one pink one black ball.
The doctor says I can clearly see your problem,


>


>


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your not getting enough greens

[CadburyMan]

Just showed my wife a photograph of me with the band REM. She said,"which one are you?"

I replied, "that's me in the corner".

She then asked me, " when we go to Egypt on holiday can we go on a camel?"

My answer was, " don't be stupid; it will take far too long to go on a camel."

[lidbid46]

So I had some bad news today. A good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor discretion. He slept with a patient, just once, and now can't do the job he loves and spent seven years training for. He's a lovely guy, genuinely cares about his work and is a brilliant vet!

[CadburyMan]

Just finished reading Agatha Christie's Murder on the Buses.

Turns out Butler did it !

[CadburyMan]

A couple of weeks ago, I bought one of those Queen mattresses. Now I'm getting shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time.