The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

A man goes to the optician for his annual eye test.

The optician puts a contraption on his face, and asks him what he can see.

"I can see empty airports and empty football grounds. I can see closed theatres, pubs and restaurants," he says.

"That's perfect," replied the optician, "you've got 20/20 vision."

[gillsfan1066]

Just think, if you die from Coronavirus even your Death will be "Made in China".

[CadburyMan]

And it's the longest anything created in China has ever lasted

[CadburyMan]

A man walks into a bar - lucky b*****d !

[gillsfan1066]

Girlfriend left me yesterday after we payed golf. She said you spent ages looking for that damn golf ball all day but can't spend five minutes looking for my G spot, packed her bags, and slammed the door on her way out. Happy Christmas , BAH HUMBUG.

[CadburyMan]

Great News

Nice offer on Amazon - if you buy all Adam & the Ants sheet music they'll throw in a stand and deliver

[CadburyMan]

i didn't realise I had a drink problem until I tried Advocaat - I had one glass and it just snowballed

[gillsfan1066]

Christmas is exactly like my job, I do all the work and some fat guy in a suite gets all the credit.

[gillsfan1066]

What does the The Houses of Parliament, The US Senate, and the Stable that Jesus was born in all have in common ?................All were well supplied with asses .

[CadburyMan]

I paid up front for a carpenter to make me a double bed and the bugger's only gone and done a bunk.

Its just one thing on top of another !!

[gillsfan1066]

I have just had sex with my new girlfriend in an elevator,it was great on so many levels.

[CadburyMan]

I came out of the chippie with a meat & potato pie, a large cod , large chips and mushy peas and a poor homeless man, sitting there, said, I've not eaten for two days.”

I  told him, “I wish I had your willpower!”

[CadburyMan]

My neighbour banged on the wall at 11.30 last night, can you believe that ?
Lucky I was still up playing music.
He banged and shouted, “Can we have a little respect please ” ?
So I shouted back, “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan, but ok this ones for you " !

[gillsfan1066]

Sean Connery walks into a hotel in Monte Carlo sits at the bar ,smiles at the pretty woman sitting next to him and orders a drink. He looks at his watch and taps it . The woman says that's a nice watch, and Connery tells her Q had just given it to him, and it works off alpha waves and talks to him telepathically . The woman smiles and says what is it telling you now ? Connery says Ma'm it tells me your not wearing any panties. The woman laughs and says then it must be broken because I am wearing pantys. Connery taps the watch, looks at the clock above the bar, smiles at the woman and and says softly, "Bloody things and hour fast". RIP S.C.

[CadburyMan]

Marriage Counsellor : Your wife says that you never buy her flowers; is that true ?

Him : To be honest I never knew she sold flowers