The Joke Thread

[gillsfan1066]

Chicago opened up this weekend,restaurants ,clubs and pubs, so off me and her went for a meal Saturday night. A couple of drinks at the bar, bottle of wine with dinner and a glass or two after back at the bar ,by the time we left the restaurant she was talking in a loud voice, falling all over me ,everyone could here here saying honey give it to me ,give it to me now darling I am so wet. If she thinks she is getting my damn umbrella she can think again.

[CadburyMan]

The Devon and Cornwall Rock Festival has been cancelled this year.

The couldn't decide who should go on first: The Jam or Cream

[CadburyMan]

My wife has just phoned me from A&E crying and very upset so I asked her what was wrong? She said that she had just seen her X.Ray I said don't speak to him just walk away.

[CadburyMan]

Met up with an ex girlfriend, Lindsey Doyle, the other day and we went on a very romantic date.

Things were about to get "interesting" and then I remember why we broke up; she smelled like a cricket bat

[CadburyMan]

English, Irish and Scottish men die and St Peter meets them at the gate. He says you can only come in if you sing a song about a dog. The English man sings "you ain't nothing but a hounddog" Peter opens the gate for him. The Scottish man sings "how much is that doggy in the window" Peter opens the gate for him. Paddy thinks for ages then says "I have one", he starts singing Stranger's in the night... He is near the end when St Peter says "Hang on Paddy ,there's no mention of a dog" Paddy says " I'm getting too it now

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" Scooby doooooooby dooooo"

[gillsfan1066]

I have found a great way to get rid of my junk, I just put it in an Amazon box and leave it on the porch.
How do you milk sheep....................bring out a new iPhone every year and charge 500 quid for it.
If you get Scam calls or Telemarketers constantly calling you, try this , Answer the phone with " Hi this is Radio Medway, your on the air and we recording this interview ".
It was not a good night last night,I tried to impress a new girlfriend,with a joke on the way home.The cop that pulled me over said "Get out of the car Sir", and I jokingly said " I am too drunk to do that,you get in ". One thing you learn from this is that when one door closes and another opens it probably means your in jail.

[CadburyMan]

Man ran home from work, pulled his wife into the bedroom, threw her on the bed and pulled the blankets over them.

She was shocked - he hadn't been like this some 20 years.

Then her husband said ," Look! My new watch glows in the dark!"

[CadburyMan]

My missus has asked for something silky for her birthday. No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong damned colour !

[CadburyMan]

My girlfriend and I were travelling to meet my parents when she got a flat tyre so I called ahead and said, "sorry mum but we're going to be late; my girlfriend has got a puncture."

"Oh," she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time!"

[CadburyMan]

My pal is a ventriloquist and he is upset that his dummy has left him after 25 years.

He said that it was like a golt from the glue.

[gillsfan1066]

I went to the girlfriends place for dinner last night and she opened the door dressed in a tiny black negligee , stockings ,heels, and a black mask. I thought i would join in the game , show her i loved her and all that soppy stuff said, Hi Zoro what have we got for dinner ? I admit it, I really don't understand women.

[gillsfan1066]

Many years ago Little Mr G. when he was just a lad went to the Kent Show with his Dad,who was interested in buying Mr G' sister, Miss G, a pony for her birthday. Running his hands up and down several horses legs, belly,chest and rump, Little Mr.G said Dad what are you doing ? Just checking to see if the horse is OK before I buy it said his Dad.
Little Mr.G burst out crying, what's the matter son said his Dad , and between big sobs Little Mr.G said, I think the Postman s going to buy Mommy.

Mr G's marriage didn't get off to the greatest of starts, but seeing as they now have 12 children I guess things obviously got better with time. After the wedding they headed for the caravan at Leysdown to honeymoon and consummate their marriage. Mrs G hid in the bathroom putting on her special white nightie, while Mr G laid on the bed getting more and more excited and more and more impassiant.
Unable to contain himself any longer he jumped off the bed opened the bathroom door just as his lovely new bride was applying the cold cream to her face. Why are you doing that he said to his new wife, to which she answered ,to make myself beautiful. Standing there in his striped PJ's, he watched her as she began to wipe it off, whats the matter asked Mr.G, Giving Up ?
It was a long cold night he spent sitting on those metal steps waiting for the sun to rise.

[CadburyMan]

So I went into a bar in Spain & there was a huge bulls head on the wall.
I said: "That must have been a big bull?"
The barman said: "That bull killed my grandfather"
I said: "Was he a bullfighter?"
He said: "No. He was playing draughts over there and it fell on him!".

[gillsfan1066]

We can't fight Poverty,Homelessness, or Hunger, yet were going to fight " climate change ",I can't wait to see how we stop that 20+ inches of snow that drops here in 48 hours in the winter.

[gillsfan1066]

I went to buy a new sofa Saturday,the guy told me the one I liked would seat five people without any problem, then it occured to me I don't think I know five people without any problems, so I didn't buy it.

The girlfriend said she couldn't eat tongue because it comes out of a cows mouth, so I gave her eggs instead.

I was accepted for a position at our local bank but only lasted a morning.Woman came in and said can you check my balance so I pushed her and she fell over.

I had to spend the night in the hospital recently, things are going to be OK,but I can tell you the Dyson Ball Cleaner Vacuum has a very misleading name.

I was so bored walking round the supermarket today watching the girlfriend pick this up look at it, put it down, so in the end I picked up a box of chicken legs and asked the young lady filling the shelves if they were front legs or back legs. She said she didn't know but she would find out. She came back 10 minutes later and said everyone seemed to think it was a funny question and nobody I asked knew. While I was in there this huge pile of toilet rolls fell on me, I am OK though it was just soft tissue damage.

When I offer to wash your back in the shower a simple yes or no will do, not all this "who are you and how did you get in here " nonsense ?

I stepped into an elevator today ,a large breasted woman came in and caught me looking at them,she said all nastily "will you press one please", I don't remember much after that.