The Joke Thread

[gillsfan1066]

Feeling a little homesick I went to the bar the other night, had a brewski or two , chatting to my mate when a couple of pretty big women as in PRETTY BIG, came in and sat at the bar, and we noticed they had an accent. He is into chubby chicks so I said go and buy them a drink, tell them I am from the UK, and ask them if there from Northern Ireland ? So off he goes, says hello girls , can I buy you a drink , are you from Ireland ?
One of them looked at him rather nastaly ,chirped It's Wales you idiot. He did a quick apology and said are you two Whales from Ireland . Luckily the ambulances station is less than a mile away from the bar, so he had not lost a lot of blood by the time they got there.

[CadburyMan]

1066 I saw the same two girls in the shopping centre.
I said ‘you two look like sisters’
They giggled and said ’yes we are’
I said ’ so why isn’t Cinderella with you’?

[CadburyMan]

The missus said, "You know if I ever got Alzheimer's, I would go in a home rather than be a burden to you."

I said, "That's the 5th time you told me that today!"

[gillsfan1066]

Hahaha. Did you know that when a woman wears a short leather dress it does various things to the male of the species. A) it makes his heart beat faster,.... B) His throat goes dry..... C) He gets weak in the knees...and if she starts teasing him by slowly pulling the hem up ,..... D) He starts to think completely irrationally.............and have you ever wondered why...........its because she smells like a new Italian Golf Bag .

[CadburyMan]

Damn Amazon and Black Friday.

I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a "Two Ronnies" DVD.

[gillsfan1066]

Times have been a bit tough here financially over the past few months, but I met this really good looking much younger woman and we went for dinner last night. I picked her up at her folks place where she lives and we went to this real nice ( read expensive ) restaurant.
She ordered Shrimp Cocktail, Steak and Lobster and not a glass but a bottle of champagne, wow I was trying to keep track of the bill.
Somewhat sarcastically I asked her, " does your Mother feed you like this at home " ?
"No" she said smiling at me, "but then my Mother doesn't expect to have sex with me in the car on the way home ".
Sheepishly I said " would you care for dessert honey " ?

[CadburyMan]

I saw a fit looking Girl busking in town earlier today.

She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short leather skirt she was wearing.

"Any Requests"..??? She asked the watching crowd.

"Your Thong," I replied with a Wink.

Everyone in the crowd gasped in Horror, and the girl slapped me hard across the face.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a Lithp.

[gillsfan1066]

Hahahahaha, but I do like that track on the new Elton John Album Cold Heart with Dooher Lipths or whatever her name is.

[CadburyMan]

Coming home from visiting some friends the other night my wife asked me to park the car in the driveway for her.

Admittedly, it is a bit of a tight fit.

After I'd done it, she asked me,

"How on earth did you do that?"

I decided to let her in on my little secret.

"There's a small mark that I painted on the wall over there"

I then pointed out the mark to her.

Then I explained that I just back up until that mark lines up with the left hand wing mirror.

At that point I simply turn the steering wheel sharply over to the right and continue on and the car fits in perfectly.

"Understand?"

I asked.

"No,"

She said,

"How did you make it go backwards?"

[CadburyMan]

Holding a poll to find everyone's favourite character in Shakespeare's Hamlet,

Yorick's just a head

[gillsfan1066]

I love the fact that in our break room at work people name the food they put it in the fridge. This week I had a Tuna sandwich called Linda and Ham and Cheese sandwich called Susan K.

During the Middle ages they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies, anyone know if they have anything like that planned for
when this one ends ?

Various City Governments around the World have started removing statues of any white person associated with owning slaves or the slave trade in general, anyone heard if the Egyptian Government has started knocking down the Pyramids yet ?

[CadburyMan]

The car of the year as voted for by the readers of Woman's Own" magazine is.....


》


》



A red one

[gillsfan1066]

Buddy said to me last night ,you know marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is a couple of big hearts and a small diamond, after a few years all you want is a big club and a spade.
I have got this new girlfriend , I bought her a Hamster Fur Coat for Christmas, this afternoon we went for a walk down on Navy Pier in Chicago it took me three hours to get her off the damn ferris wheel. I don't think the relationship is going to last, we don't appear to have anything in common , last night we played scrabble and I banged my fist on the board after about the 20th time she put letters down and spelt the word wrong, and I ended up swallowing some of the tiles, it could spell disaster next time I use the bathroom. I spent half of last night defrosting the fridge , she calls it foreplay, eventually she came round and said shall we make a dirty movie, then she got upset because I suggested we should hold auditions for her part. Eventually she said how many women have you slept with, I said just you,all the others kept me awake all night.
The good news is I spent all Christmas afternoon installing a strobe light in the bedroom, at least it will look like she is moving when we have sex tonight.

[gillsfan1066]

Went to the Gym today, first time this year, I picked a treadmill next to this 20 something chikie in a real skimpy outfit ,but I was off ,looking good feeling cool began jogging the miles away on that machine. OK,OK to tell the truth watching parts of her bounce up and down was a hell of a lot more fun than me jogging, every time she looked in my direction I was smiling at her. In the end she stopped running and I said What's your New Year's Resolution , she said a naughty F word followed by YOU. So I am pretty excited about this upcoming year already.

[gillsfan1066]

I was just thinking a while ago ,when I was a kid my Mom would send me to the corner store with a couple of shillings and I would come back with a loaf of bread, potatoes, a packet of ten John Players number 6 or a small packet of Embassie , and I came home with some candy.and a bottle of R Whites Lemonade , you can't do that now days, too many sodding cameras everywhere.