The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

I went on Mastermind, and my specialist subject was The Beatles.

I didn't get a single question correct.

I should have known better.

[gillsfan1066]

What a day, it rained all damn day ,I had to be outside in it for almost and hour, then when we were writing a report a bit later my partner said do I put ignorance or apathy in this report for the guy ,what's the difference ? I said I don't know and I really don't care.

[lidbid46]

Here’s one for Gillsfan; some good old British history.

Ann Boleyn was found guilty of treason, but her less well known brother Wom was found not guilty and went free.

I’ll leave that one for you to work out Gillsfan!!

[gillsfan1066]

Oh come on guys, if your going to TRY to make it difficult put some serious effort into it, that one was so obvious, you missed the r out of his name, he was a worm called George and wriggled free.

[CadburyMan]

I was sat in my kayak next to the bank and a bloke came up to me and said, "Will you move please, I need to get to the ATM!"

[gillsfan1066]

Car Rental Company ? I watch UK TV more than US TV.

[CadburyMan]

Nope

[gillsfan1066]

You were in Venice ? Somewhere on the English Canals,Braunstone or Birmingham ? There was a flood in Cadbury-land,the streets were 18 inch deep in water,you paddle downtown to the bank, the sun came out and dried up all the rain and left you sitting outside the bank grounded ?

[gillsfan1066]

OK back to Anne Boleyn and her brother Won Boleyn, and their Happy Home on Wimbledon Common,(OK it did take me a bit of time to get it ,lol) By the way there is a certain Mr. Wom Boline living in Canada, (seriously), he has something to do with the Porn Industry, and he recently wrote a letter that was read out to the Canadian Parliament explaining why you can't stop something that needs to be stopped,blah,blah,blah, in the business. Easy Mrs L, easy, yeah Gods that woman's excitable, no wonder poor old Mr.L looks a shadow of his former self since he retired, he is home all day at her beck and call. When he was a teacher, he had all day to recover, but not now, jeezz ,and he thought he would be pottering around the garden pruning his roses while she cuts the lawn with the old hand pushed mower once he retired.
Now that Spring is on the horizon I can hear him doing his best Freddy Truman impression (ask your Grandfather) , " Getem cricket whites out for me Mootherr, give em a hand wash in the sink with that there Tide stuff ".
Not many people know this ,but he dresses up in his whites, practises playing around with his googlies trying to swing them left and right in the bedroom every night , drives the poor woman crazy all that bang bang banging against the wardrobe door. He might only use a tennis ball, but after it hits the wicket he painted on her best bedroom furniture , and he has leapt into the air shouting HOWZAT''S, a few dozen times there is no chance she can get to sleep , all hot and bothered after an adrenaline rush like that
It's easy to see why the lads gone from almost 200 lbs and singing Baritone , to 130 lbs and singing Mezzo-Soprano in the church choir, but it's his own fault. I will tell yu this , it's not a pretty sight when he tries to sing his favorite song, Wuthering Heights by Kate Bush (ask your Mother) at the monthly church Karaoke Night. Halfway through the second verse of that it becomes pretty obvious to one and all Mrs. L won't be seeing any Googlies for a couple of nights, or days for that matter.
Anyway I guess I got that question right, now back to that damn KAN NOO question.

[CadburyMan]

Watching Basic Instinct the Missus said to me "Without that figure, blonde hair, sexy legs and flawless complexion what would Sharon Stone be?".

I said "She'd be you".

[gillsfan1066]

Sharon Stone is 64 now,I am sure Mrs Cadbury is just as beautiful today as Miss Stone is. In fact I bet if you were to buy an exact copy of the white dress Sharon wears in Basic Instinct, for say Mrs C's birthday . Now with regards to the dress which my dear Mr Cadburyman I can can obtain for a mere $122 US Dollar and 84 cents if your interested . I would be more than happy to purchase one and send it to you from a company called Pilaryourdressmaker on Etsy her size is ?? . If you give me her shoe size I can get a pair of the low heeled sling backs Sharon wore in the movie.
That's about all I can do, I will leave you to explain that to complete the Sharon Stone fantasy um er, er um your honey bunny is going to need a trip, ALL the way to Brazil,if you know what I mean .
Let me know if you want the dress and shoes, there are other great movie scenes you guys could act out in the meantime, the Vintage Wicker Peacock Chair, the love of my life Sylvia Kristel sat on in Emmanuelle could be fun, Last Tango in Paris, Fifty Shades of White and Black .

[CadburyMan]

Two sociologists relaxing by a hotel pool. One says to the other "Have you read Marx?"

The other says "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs"

[CadburyMan]

I bought a wardrobe from IKEA. I put it together, and it wouldn't fit in my car.

That green sign saying 'Assembly Point' just outside their store is a really bad idea...

[CadburyMan]

Just seen a documentary about the worst winters people have ever witnessed..

Mike and Bernie are right up there for me…

[gillsfan1066]

Talking of assembly I recently bought a new 5 G High-Speed Internet Gateway, they did everything in the store, just take it home and plug it in Sir ,and you will be ready to go. So Monday night I did just that,up on the screen comes three simple lines, Your name, Location, , PASSWORD. OK password, maybe my computer or cell phone password my carrier is the same as the new machine, ....NO. Maybe my email password...NO, oh it's got to be on the box,everything is written so small I have to get the magnifying glass out....tried a few numbers that were written on the box...NO, looked all over the machine nothing that said password , even looked on the receipt just incase,...NO,... time for the obligately phone call to the guy in the Philippines, that takes 35 minutes of me listening to the same three bars of music followed by an advert for something else they sell every 45 seconds.
Eventually a voice comes on the line , I say I have just bought a new 5G Internet Gateway what or where is the password, OK Sir I can help you with that,followed by silence while I hear him talking to someone. Back he comes,don't you know your password Sir ? Of course I do,I just wanted to hang on to a call for 35 minutes and talk to someone halfway around the world. NO I F**g DON"T, where or what is it ? I don't know Sir he says, but I am here to help you ,so keep calm and let me ask my manager.
The Password Number turns out to be on the bottom of the unit under a silver piece of paper,which you have to remove to show something called the KEY NUMBER,I felt as silly as Mr G did last week , after all isn't that what everyone calls their password, there Key Number ?