The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

A dwarf was drinking in a bar when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person”
The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get the shit kicked out of me”
“It’s ok” said the woman “ my husband is working away until next week “
So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.
Well, they start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens.
“Shit, it’s my husband “ she said
“ quick, hang out of the bedroom window, and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away”
So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the bedroom and says “ damn, it’s cold in here” and slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.
Well the woman is distraught and calls an ambulance.
A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital
“How are you” ? She asked
“Well my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion “ he said
“Oh dear” she said
“Still , it could have been much worse “
“Much worse !” Said the dwarf
“How do you figure that out?”



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“Well” she said......“It’s lucky I live in a bungalow”

[gillsfan1066]

All jokes aside, and I don't get the Dell one , the cyclopes joke has gone way,way over my head, I do get the Village People one but only because Mr. Bunbury told me,he was a great fan of the Indian guy in the group.
With regards to Sinead O'Connor she lived very close with friends to us for a while in the burbs north of Chicago, back in May 2016 she went out cycling and did not return that evening, she had half the police force looking for her all night . Seems she had found new friends and stayed with them for the night.

[CadburyMan]

A Girl in our class used to smell like an old cricket bat.

I wonder where Lindsay Doyle is now?

[CadburyMan]

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says "G".

The teacher says, "Why is that Angus?"

[CadburyMan]

My missus agreed to wear a surprise dress I am having made for her 60th birthday party.

On the front will be a big arrow pointing down and reading" To the Magic Kingdom". On the back will read "best before 1991

[CadburyMan]

So whilst talking my wife through basic checks under the bonnet of her car …..

…..she asked what the 7I0 cap was for

[CadburyMan]

I once stole a flock of crows and nobody caught me! Yes, I got away with a murder

[gillsfan1066]

I get the A Dell one,but still don't get the cyclops joke, can I buy a vowel or a big hint please ?

[CadburyMan]

"One I'd get"
"One-eyed git"

[CadburyMan]

I bought my wife a beautiful slinky dress.

She looks amazing going down the stairs.

[CadburyMan]

Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home in Chicago when an old man walked by.

One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…


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“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

[CadburyMan]

BBC News:


Rare Picasso sells for £106 million.


Who the hell would pay that for a Citroën?

[CadburyMan]

Who’s in favour of bringing back Roman numerals?

I for one.

[gillsfan1066]

OK CHUCK, how do you know that those old women were sitting opposite my house, they said no one was watching ? I think having Roman numerals for names would be fun.
You could be I, (full name IC) Mr.L could be II, (full name IIL ),I could be III (EYE EYE EYE Skipper) , and Mr.G could be IV, a nice boy of a day time,but once home indoors of an evening and the 15 children are in bed, he could wear his wife's dresses and heels and would only answer to the name Ivy. Just joking Mr.G. Dam life is boring without the Gills playing.

[CadburyMan]

"Dam life is boring without the Gills playing."

But all we do is moan when they are !