The Joke Thread

[CadburyMan]

If Elton John thinks "Sorry" is the hardest word he wants to try saying


Llanfairpwllgwyllgorndrobwillantysiliohogogoch

[CadburyMan]

The teacher said to Johnny,what does your father do? Johnny says he's a magician. What sort of things does he do said the teacher. He saws people in half said Johnny. That's interesting the teacher said,have you got any brothers or sisters.

Yes said Johnny I've got a half brother and two half sisters.

[CadburyMan]

I just found an old tape,so I played it!

I wouldn’t recommend it at all.

Head Cleaner- - Worst band ever.

[gillsfan1066]

A man in Moscow was lining up along with 200 other people to get his money out of the bank. After several hours he blew up said sod this stupid war , that's it , I am off to the Kremlin to kill Putin.He returns a couple of hours later, someone says what happened,he said the line there was longer than this one.

The US President calls Putin and says I had a dream last night ,I was in Moscow and it was just like before sanctions, everyone was happy luxury cars drove along the streets,there was laughter and dancing everywhere and giant neon lights on billboards. What did the billboards say asked Putin, how the hell do I know said Biden,I don't speak Ukrainian.

[gillsfan1066]

A drunk standing behind a woman at the check outline in Marianos says you must be a single woman. Startled she looks at the things she has put on the conveyor belt, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, orange juice, bread, cheese, but being single she is intrigued how he would know that in fact she was unmarried. She smiles and says how do you know ? The drunk rocks backwards and forwards a couple of times then says ,..........because your uglier than sh*t,

[CadburyMan]

In South London they sell sausages made from Pandas

I know this because I stood in the queue in a butcher's when a lady asked for two

[CadburyMan]

Russel Crowe and Sheryl Crow walks into a bar.

The bartender calls 911 and says, "I need to report an attempted murder."

[gillsfan1066]

Ok I don't get the Panda joke ,help please.

[CadburyMan]

Do you not remember the "South London" accent or have you been away for too long ?

[gillsfan1066]

I guess I have ,sorry still don't get what pander could be another word for ,(Gander) ? HELP PLEASE.

[CadburyMan]

Two pound of sausages

Two panda sausages

[gillsfan1066]

Thankyou, thankyou ,thankyou, I have had sleepless nights trying to work that out.
I bought a Pizza Maker yesterday, so I made the new girlfriend who was going to stay over for the first time an Hawaiian Pizza last night. Pizza sauce, cheese ,cooked ham , FRESH pineapple, green peppers ,I even sang the Pizza Song, Slice,Slice Baby as I burned the damn thing to a crisp, I stood there watching as she packed her overnight bag to leave. Last thing she said was, you should have used aloha temperature.
Oh well easy come, easy go ,she was a weir-dough anyway.

[gillsfan1066]

I feel very lucky I had the chance to chat on the phone with several of our contributors over the last couple of days. Talking to Mr and Mrs.Lidbit I ended up telling Mrs.L we should all embrace our mistakes, at which time Mrs.L gave Mr. L a big hug and a kiss and said "I guess so".
What fun it was to talk to Mr and Mrs Garawa and their 17 children, I said to Mr G.does your wife say you have any faults ,he just laughed and said yes, she says I don't listen , oh and something else.
Didn't have long on the phone with Mr. Cadbury, he said something about it being his 12th day without chocolate and he had lost the hearing in his left eye.
The call to Australia was a fun one , I spoke to Mrs B, and I said where is he, she said he came to answer the phone but he forgot what he was doing,went back to retrace his steps and got lost. I said is he behaving himself and she said not exactly, he got stopped driving home the other night, the cop said "you drinking", Mr.B said " you buying", so I spent three hours bailing him out.
Talking to dear Fanny Mulligan I said how do you remember what you have to take to Gills away games ? She said you remember that game we played as kids, Head,Shoulders, Knees and Toes,well I just sing Notebook, Polo's,Coke's and Pens, then it's easy to remember.
Quick chat with Mr. Southampton , I said are you OK and he said yeah yeah, I am now,damn internet went down for ten minutes and I had to talk to the family, they seem like pretty nice people, but it's back up now,so I have to go,bye.
I had a real brief conversation with Scally,he said something about the Universe being made up of protons, neutrons and electrons,he seemed to miss the bit about Morons.
Well that was fun, and like I said to someone when they said what do you want at your funeral,I said take the bouquet off the coffin,toss it into the crowd so we will see who is next.

[sotongill]

LOL Gillsfan . Mrs S said " Cheeky ****** " , but she did laugh at the bouquet .

Although she did point out that when Twitter went down for an hour yesterday afternoon , i was completely lost ........

[lidbid46]

I’d take the hug and kiss to be fair!