The Joke Thread

[gillsfan1066]

My Buddy was telling me the other night he looked around his house and said to his wife , you know hon, 40 years ago we lived in a dump , I drove a crap car ,ate fast food, slept on a pull out couch ,watched a 14 inch TV with 3 channels , but I went to bed with a hot sexy 21 year girl. I have worked my ass off all my life, I live in a million dollar home, drive a new Mercedes , I eat at great restaurants ,got a wonderful bedroom, big screen TV's with 200 channels,, but now I am going to bed with a 61 year old woman. He looked at his wife and said, I don't think your keeping up your end of the bargain . His wife, a very understanding woman smiled, gently tapped his hand and said , honey you should go out and find a 21 year to sleep with, and me and my lawyer will make sure you will soon be living in a dump, driving a crap car, sleeping on a pull out couch, and eating fast food while watching a TV with no cable channels .........Aren't wives wonderful at making us see things as they really are ?

[CadburyMan]

I was in Tesco in Guernsey and asked where the potatoes were.

I was told they were in the next aisle so I hopped on the Jersey ferry

[CadburyMan]

Today, I'm going to drink a lot of beer, play a bit of football, speak in a Northern Irish accent and shag Miss World.

Saturday's always bring out the Best in me...

[gillsfan1066]

The following are all reply's Detroit Michigan (Motown) women gave on applications for Child Support ,when asked who the Father of the child or children was. All are 100% true. You have to love number 3,number 6 and 7.

1) Regarding to the Father(S) of my TWINS, Makeeshia was Fathered by Amarli McKinly , I am not sure who the Father of Marlinda is ,but I believe she was Fathered on the same night ,but by who I don't know.
2) I don't know the identity of my daughters Father but he drove a BMW which now has a hole in the door panel caused by my stiletto. Perhaps you could contact the local
BMW dealers to see if it has been fixed ,then you would know what his name is.
3) I still live with my Mother and Father, who are helping me with this form. I have never had sex,I am still a VIRGINIAN, we have written to the Pope,and are waiting for a letter confirming my sons conception was ejaculate and he is the Saver risen again.
4) I do not know the name of my sons Father as Mexicans all look the same to me.
5) Tyrone Harrison is the Father of my child A, if you catch up with him can you AXE him what he did with my AC/DC CD,s. Child B who was born on the same date as child A,I don't have a clue,but you might want to talk to Tyrone's brother and his best friends.
6) From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at Disney World, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom
7) So much about that night is a blur,the only thing I remember was Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening . If I had stayed in instead of going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized.
8) I am unsure who the Father of my daughter Destiny is,after all when you eat a can of bake beans you don't know which one made you fart.
THESE ARE 100% GENUINE.

[CadburyMan]

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
"You know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently

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"I think you are bad luck."

[gillsfan1066]

A doctor decides one day to walk to the office from the L train,instead of getting a cab like he normally did . As he nears his office he notices a woman very wrinkly and bent over sitting on the steps to her house enjoying the spring sunshine. " Good Morning" he said and she smiles and laughed and said " it sure is Sir, one fine day indeed ". He says " your happy today", and she said "I always am" . The doctor said "I noticed your smoking a stogie" (cheap God awful cigars) and she says " I sure am ". He said " I am a doctor, so please tell me whats your secret of being so happy I might be able to pass on some of your secrets to my patients ".
" Well " she says puffing a huge cloud of smoke in his face , " I smoke ten of these here fine cigars every day ", I eats nutting but junk food from the burger place on the corner and I drinks me a bottle of moon shine each day. " She continued " after dinner I smokes me two big fat joints and of a weekend I get laid, and I have never done any sort of exerciser in my life ". The Doctor looks at her and says " that's amazing ,can I ask how old you are" ? " Thirty- four " she replied.

[CadburyMan]

Had a row with my boss at lunchtime yesterday.

One of the perks of working near a boating lake...

[CadburyMan]

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence one evening.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'd die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eyelids and asked, "How many times?"

[gillsfan1066]

A huge announcement today between the Pfizer Corporation and The Pepsi Cola Organisation informing the country of the collaboration between the two, and announcing that as from May 2023 they will have a new product called Mount and Do on store shelves,containing Viagra in a liquid form,along with that great taste of Pepsi . Obviously it will not be able to call itself a soft drink as it will be suitable to be used as a mixer,so it will now be possible for a man to pour himself a still one,and it gives a new meaning to cocktails with names like Highballs,Harvey Wallbanger ,Sex on the Beach, and that very nice cocktail which is made with 1 1/2 raspberry vodka, 4 oz of Sprite clear soda and 3/4 oz of Rose's grenadine syrup,poured over a 12 oz glass of ice cubes and topped off with two Maraschino Cherries, yum yum, just thinking about that makes me want a Bend Over Shirley.
Makes you think , with more money at the moment being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research ,by 2025 there should be a large population of seniors with perky boobs ,huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

[gillsfan1066]

Five Rules for a Happy Life.
1) It's important to have a woman that works around the home keeping it clean and tidy,cooks, and has a part time job.
2) It's important to have a woman that makes you laugh that you love to be with.
3) It's important to have a woman that no matter what time of the day or night is ready to enjoy time in bed with you.
4) It's important to have a woman that's faithful and never lies to you
5), It's important that threes four women NEVER meet
Signed....Tiger Woods.

[CadburyMan]

A young colleague at work, thought "Chubby Checker" was a dieting app!

[gillsfan1066]

Michael Goodwin spent several years on South Carolina's death row awaiting the electric chair on a murder conviction,before it was reduced to life imprisonment. Sitting on his metal toilet in his cell trying to fix his small TV one day, he bit into a wire which was still plug into the mains,and was immediately electrocuted. His funeral followed four days later in his home town of Kingstree.

[CadburyMan]

I went to the doctor with fluid on the knee.

The doctor told me that I wasn't aiming straight . ..................................

[CadburyMan]

I was sitting outside the pub with my blonde wife having a drink and a lorry loaded with turf went by!

My wife said: “I’m going to do that when we’re rich!”

I said : “What!”

She said: “Have the lawn taken away to get it mowed!”

[CadburyMan]

I saw this beautiful homeless woman today and I asked if I could take her home.

She said yes.

You should have seen the look on her face when I drove off with her cardboard box.